Right now

I am sitting on my pullout couch bed and just thinking.

Of course, I know how I got here, but the question bears repeating from time to time.

How did I arrive at a lack of motivation? I used to have ENERGY!!! MOTIVATION!!! IDEAS!!! I used to laugh my ass off all the time about ideas that I would get...

I've gotten older. I still get excited about things. But there's only so much one can juggle. A very intense job, family, friends, music. I have responsibilities. I only have so much energy for one day.

I see that childlike part of me kicking in more and more...the hopeful dreamer who wants to be who she was. Her life was creating.

I want it more. I guess the way I can have it more is to just DO. Abandonment. Maybe I'll allow myself to become the crazy artist lady who becomes so absorbed that she just sort of fades into art and lives there with God. Wouldn't that be lovely?

Thank God that part of what our lives are is what we make them to be. But that's also a somber thought.

I should eat now.